You’re pretty much on your own…

You’re pretty much on your own…


Okay …

I love action movies, particularly sci-fi action movies. I’m also a big fan of (most of) the DIE HARD franchise and other rock ‘em sock ‘em shows. Even superhero movies seem to be getting better and better.

I do have one problem with them, however. Maybe some long-delayed critical faculty is finally flickering to life, or maybe I’m just noticing it more as my own body continues its mad fling with entropy, but I’m finding it harder and harder to suspend my disbelief at the utter indestructibility of the main characters. A good example is TERMINATOR 2, in which Sarah Conner took a drumming and kept on coming. (Though it might just as we’ll be DIE HARD). Let’s go with T2, though. Top of Act 3, Sarah gets a major wound, courtesy of the T-1000, in the form of an elongated spike through the right shoulder. (Don’t recall seeing an exit wound; nevertheless, let’s call it a through-and-through). Now, if you’re an action movie hero, sooner or later you’re gonna take one in the shoulder. It will most likely be a T&T, and you will be given a hasty field dressing from your robot buddy/sidekick, along with a terse instruction to “Put pressure on it.”

After which you’re pretty much on your own. you’re pretty much on your own.

The shoulder joint is a ball-and-socket joint, which, along with the hip, makes it one of the most complicated joints in the body. It consists of three bones–the humerus, clavicle and scapula–I love action movies, particularly sci-fi action movies. I’m also a big fan of (most of) the DIE HARD franchise and other rock ‘em sock ‘em shows. Even superhero movies seem to be getting better and better.

Let’s be generous and say the T-1000 has the same detailed files that the original T-800 has–seems reasonable–and so it knows exactly where to spike Sarah so as to leave the joint as functional as possible while causing the maximum amount of pain. (WHY it wants to do this is another matter entirely, and a rather unbelievable one. Being a Terminator, it has one mission only–to find and kill John Conner. Easiest way to accomplish this, it seems to me, is to use its ability for mimicry to imitate Sarah and call for her son himself. If it’s in its best interests to lure John in by subterfuge instead of by torturing Mom, it will. If the quickest, most expeditious way snare the kid is by buying him a box of chocolates, the T-1000′s next question should be, “Dark or milk?” It’s one of the more egregious examples of fixing the plot with a monkey wrench.)

Anyway, back to topic: given the size and positioning of the spike, there’s no way (I’m told) she comes out of this with anything less than a torn rotator cuff. This is not a wound to treat cavalierly; in fact, it’s one of the most prone to re-injury of any joint in the body. It definitely doesn’t respond well to a bit of pressure, a tourniquet made from a hankie, and business as usual.

And besides that, she’s got a leg wound that looks awful damn close to her femoral artery …

(As far as DIE HARD goes, I refer you to a lovely little piece done by the HONEST TRAILERS folk, which uses–they say–a professional diagnostician to enumerate the amount of lives it takes for Bruce Willis’s character get to the end of the movie. Hilarious.)

And we haven’t even mentioned internal bleeding …

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